What Good Am I? Am I Still Useful?

You shouldn’t be doing that! I will take care of that, just sit and rest. Let someone else do that! If I find out you did that, you will be in so much trouble. Are you trying to hurt yourself? Have you ever heard statements like this – I have, and some days it gets very old.

One of the most essential needs of any human is to feel useful. We all want to be needed, and in some ways, we all desire to contribute. This need or feeling is no different for those struggling with chronic illnesses or disabilities. Each of us is born with an innate desire to make a difference.

Very early on in life, due to my arthritis, I struggled with this, because there were just things that I could not do. Out of stubbornness, I would still try to do some of these things, and when I did, I would invariably hear one of those sentences listed above. Often when I heard it, I would become even more determined to do it. My stubbornness and pride would rise up, and I would do what I wanted to anyway. Sometimes it worked out okay – many times it did not.

In spite of my illness, I took great pride in all that I could do. Over the last few years though, little by little, things began to change, and not for the better. First, my pain began to increase, forcing me to cut back on the more physical jobs that I did. While frustrating, I somewhat understood. I would still at times push myself too far, and end up paying for it later (while also hearing a chorus of “I told you so’s” from others around me).

But as my Parkinson’s progressed, more and more was taken from me. I could no longer drive a bus (and some days even struggled driving a car). I was having more trouble walking and even doing basic tasks. My ability to write and type disappeared. I found it hard to move – things like doing my hair, shaving, or buttoning a shirt took forever, and I was beyond exhausted all the time. No longer could I push through, and it was depressing.

I watched my ministry and service in the church begin to disappear, because I could no longer do it – the spirit was willing, but the flesh was very weak. I watch my ability to work become more and more difficult. Even completing things around the house was a times too much. Everything I had taken pride in was slowly evaporating from my life and I found myself many days asking, “What good am I? Am I still useful?”

So much of who I was, I realized, was tied up in what I did, and when those things were removed, I no longer saw myself as useful. In these moments I would cry out to God in frustration, not even sure if He could still use me. Have you ever been in that place, a place in your life when you felt utterly useless? It is a hard place to be in – I know, because many days I was there.

 

I was so focused on what I could no longer do, that many times I missed the opportunities that I still had. You see, maybe I could not do what I once did, but there were things I could do, even with my physical struggles. Maybe this was God’s way of simply redirecting me and helping me see other ways I could serve and minister to others?

I wish I could say I saw this from the beginning, but I am a bit hard headed, and missed some of these “opportunities” along the way because my focus remained on what I could not do. Over time, I began to see that, yes, I was of use and could still make a difference, and once I realized this, a whole new world opened up to me, including starting to write again. I realized that just because I could not serve in some ways, it did not mean that I was no longer useful. It just meant that God could now use me in a different way than He had used me before. As long as I believed I could be useful and make a difference, I could. Only when I decided I was not longer useful, would I cease to be useful – the decision was entirely mine.

Is it still hard not being able to do somethings – sure it is, but if I focus on that, I miss so many things I can still do to make a difference, and so many opportunities to be useful and impact others. Yes, I still push myself too much sometimes, and yes, I still hear some of those statements above. When I hear those comments now though, I don’t get quite as discouraged and frustrated (okay, maybe still a little). I realize that these voices are raised in love and concern, and are merely trying to help me see that there are other ways God can continue to use me.

Am I still useful? Yes, as long as I choose to believe I am, and as long as I choose to see the opportunities for impact right in front of me. Are you still useful and can you make an impact? Absolutely, as long as you choose to see the opportunities right in front of you. No matter what your life circumstances look like, we all have the ability to impact the world around us. Stop focusing on what you cannot do, and see all you can accomplish. Take time to find your opportunities today.