Can You Trust Me?

In the days after my diagnosis, I will be honest, my head was spinning. It was like staring at a huge mountain, knowing you have to climb it, but having no idea where and how to start. So many questions; so much uncertainty; so much doubt; and yes, so much anger.

As I sat there staring at this insurmountable mountain, it reminded me of the times in college when I had this enormous project to do, and just did not know where to begin. Parkinson’s though, was not just like a mountain, it was like a mountain going through an earthquake – circumstances and symptoms constantly changing, and no two peoples path up that mountain exactly the same.

We realized very quickly there might be hundreds of paths up this mountain of Parkinson’s. You see, with this disease, there is a lot of uncertainty. Will this become debilitating in 2 years or 20? Will I be able to work 5, 10, or 20 more years? How long will I be mobile – will I need a wheelchair? Will I have to stop driving in a year or 10 years? These and dozens of other uncertainties swirled around us.

The more my wife and I researched and tried to plan, the more we realized we could not. With this latest struggle of my health, it felt like once again the rug had been pulled out from under us. Just when we thought everything was settled, and we were finally getting into a good place, wham – this latest struggle hit us out of nowhere.

We all live with this illusion of control. We carefully plan, we make arrangements for the future, we order our lives and our days, then we sit back and pretend that we have somehow mastered our own destiny, that our future is secure. Yet this illness quickly brought to the forefront how little control we had and how uncertain our future truly is.

I wonder if this is how Joseph ever felt in Scripture? Every time he thought things were going in a good direction, the rug was pulled out from under him, and he was left asking the question “what in the world just happened?” Yet even through that uncertainty, Genesis clearly points out numerous times, “and the Lord was with Joseph”. Even the man who had visions and dreams of the future, did not know how God was going to work and when His plan would unfold.

In truth, the day I was diagnosed, my future was not any more or less uncertain than it had been 5 minutes before. Sure, it seemed that way, but whether I had this illness or not, I had no idea what the future would hold, but He did. He knows my path, He has numbered my days, and He knows how He will provide. Whether I have Parkinson's or not, I do not know my future, but He does.

As I considered all of these things, it was as if I could clearly hear God quietly saying, “Do you trust me?” Even with all the uncertainty, through all of the pain, will you still trust me? This decision is not made once, but many times over the course of hours, days, and weeks? In the good times when I’m feeling great, or during the “off times” when I am struggling, will I trust Him? I wish I could say that my answer was always "yes", but honestly, there are days or doubting, days when I struggle seeing Him in the midst of the pain and sorrow, days when it is hard.

Can I trust Him? This is a question I must ask and answer each and every day, but the wonderful thing about my Lord, is no matter where I am, or if I am struggling, He is always with me, and because of that, I can trust Him.