Anniversaries are often thought of as special times celebrating joyous and happy times. But happy anniversaries are not the only anniversaries. Many times, the anniversaries also mark great times of loss and pain – days that changed the world we knew. Today, exactly one year ago, I heard those 4 little words.
We had spent almost 3 years trying to determine what was wrong. Doctor after doctor told us everything was “normal”. We daily saw my decline, and no explanations were present. There were times I thought I was just going crazy, yet in my heart, I knew something was wrong, even if others could not give me answers.
One year ago today, I sat with my fourth Neurologist, after he had spent over an hour examining me, he looked at me and simply said, “You have Parkinson’s Disease.” No fanfare or great announcement, just a simple, quiet statement. After years of searching, I had my answer, just not the answer I wanted – but honestly, I’m not sure what I wanted to hear, I just knew I could not hear again “Everything looks normal.”
I think back on that day, and remember just being numb – hundreds of thoughts and emotions flooding through me. Relief, fear, sadness, unease, unsure, anger, frustration, disbelief – this last one more than others. I sat there just shaking my head – a smile, even a slight chuckle, at the ridiculousness of yet another health struggle.
I know that reaction seems odd, but it almost seemed laughable. I had yet another disease I should not have until much later in life. It almost seemed ridiculous. I remember looking to the ceiling and shaking my head, simply thinking, “Really God. Really. I don’t already have enough? I really need something else?”
It was a time that I really did have mixed emotions. I was so relieved to finally know, but so angry, sad, and fearful. Angry at yet another health issues. Sad for more suffering for me and my family. Fearful of what this would do to me and what our future would look like.
Now a year later, I still experience many of these things, but I also have hope, for I know who it is that walks with me. There has been no magic wand of healing, but my body is stronger, and I am learning to live with my new normal. This last year has taught me many things, and we have experienced many joys and sorrows. The struggles we have faced have strengthened our family, and reminded us once again of what is truly important.
So today, as I remember that fateful day one year ago, I remember not only those 4 little words, but all those 4 little words have taught me over this last year. I am a very different person today, and while I am not glad I have Parkinson’s, I am glad for the perspective it has given me, and that things it has helped me see and understand – things I never saw or understood before.
So, Happy Anniversary Parkinson’s Disease. Happy Anniversary – the anniversary I never wanted, but in some ways, thankful that I have.
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