Can I Forgive Myself For Having This Disease? - Dealing with Guilt

I sit there alone, locked in my own thoughts. Silently I beat myself up for not being the man I think I should be. Daily, I look around, and I see myself (at least in my own mind) letting down those I love – my wife, my children, my family, my friends, even those at work. I am battling so many feelings and I am so mad at myself for having this disease. I feel so guilty for putting my family though this - has anyone else ever felt this way?

One morning, I could not sleep, so I went downstairs and started flipping around channels on the TV. I noticed a show that seemed interesting, so I decided to stop. Now, I know some of you will probably give me grief for this, but that show was Dr. Phil. Occasionally, I will stop and watch, and see how he solves problems and helps others.

Thinking back now, I could not even begin to tell you what that episode was about. As I sat there watching, he said one of the most profound things I have heard in a long time, and it was something I desperately needed to hear, “You need to forgive yourself. You are not responsible for this and there is nothing you could have done about this.”

I just sat there stunned. Tears began to well up in my eyes. “You need to forgive yourself.” This phrase kept echoing over and over again in my mind. What do you mean I need to forgive myself? What is there to forgive?

Then it began to hit me. So much of my struggle with this illness centered around all the things I could not do as a husband or father. I felt guilty that my wife and kids were "stuck" with me. I felt guilty for the things I could not do. In this realization, I discovered how upset with myself I was. I was mad at myself for having this disease, and I was upset for not being able to overcome it.

As these thoughts dawned on me, the truth of Dr. Phil’s statement rang true. I was blaming myself for something I had almost no control over, and in the process just hurting myself and those around me.

Whether it is something we cannot control, or mistakes we have made, many times forgiving ourselves is one of the hardest things to do. We sit there, beating ourselves up for these circumstances, totally unaware of the anger and hurt towards ourselves we feel.

This guilt makes it harder for us to deal with the circumstances and also causes pain and hurt to spill out to those around us. Sometimes, the hardest thing we can do, is simply forgive ourselves. When we forgive ourselves, we can truly begin, not only the process of healing, but we can begin to move forward and deal with whatever it is that we are facing. Instead of beating ourselves up, we begin the process of healing.

Each of us has something we need to forgive ourselves for in our lives. What is it for you? What are you carrying that you should not be carrying? Let go and forgive yourself, and begin the process of healing and moving forward.