Drifting Apart

We sit in a room in silence, side by side, both feeling numb. What is there to say? The hurt and pain of this latest diagnosis, some days, is unbearable. We sit there in uncertainty – will we make it? What does she think of me now? Am I still loveable? Does he still care for me; he seems so distant? It seems like we have not talked in days? How did we get here?

In the months leading up to my diagnosis, many times, the silence was deafening. Things we were so sure of, seemed so uncertain now. We saw the hurt and pain we were each going through, and because of our own hurt, we did not know what to do. Would something we said or did make the other feel worse? What could we do for each other, when we were each struggling, and often there was nothing that we could do to change things or help.

Each of us was locked in our own private battle, struggling with this set of life circumstances in our own way. She looked at me and saw her husband, the man she loved, slowly slipping away. He looked at her, and saw the burden and pain she was bearing, and saw all he could not do for her, and he withdrew even further into himself. Like two ships, passing in the night, we slowly over time, began to drift apart.

In drifting apart, fear and uncertainty began to take hold. Offenses and insensitivities, often imagined or exaggerated stacked up higher and higher, until a wall stood between us. We would sit there, looking at each other, wondering how we got here. At a time when we needed to be pulling together, we seemed to be moving apart, with no idea how to fix it. How did we get here?

This separation was not simply with each other, but also with those around us. Because of the physical struggles and exhaustion, relationships began to fall away. Friends, boys I had mentored, loved ones – seemed so distant, many times because I was too tired to do anything but simply make it through the day.

The separation in these relationships did not happen suddenly, but slowly, and unintentionally. The pain, fatigue, hurts, and doubts slowly isolated us from one another, until there was a gulf so deep and so wide, there seemed to be no way to bridge it.

Then we got the diagnosis and heard those four little words. We loved each other, were there for each other, but still could not bridge the separation. The hurts and loneliness had gone on for so long, it seemed hopeless. My wife put it best, “I miss my best friend”. I was drowning, as she was. We could barely help ourselves, let alone each other. And in that simple statement, the bridge began to be built.

We realized that the separation we felt, was in large part, due to the pain and grief we were each battling, but also misunderstandings, doubts, hurts, and just our physical circumstances. Slowly these things had caused us to drift apart and stop being intentional with each other. Sometimes we were so exhausted from the hurt, pain, and simply pushing through, we had nothing left. We realized our mindsets had to change.

This story is so familiar to many who battle chronic illness or have experienced great loss. In our feelings of isolation and pain, we isolate ourselves even further and fulfill what we fear happening. Through many hard conversations, and humble apologies, the healing began. We realized that many of the things we thought, were just not right. And this was not just with each other, but others in our life we had drifted apart from.

Through a simple lack of effort, and not being intentional, we had drifted apart, and in isolation misunderstood each other and allowed hurt and pain to fill us. Sadly, it took us a while to see this, but once we did, we realized how much we loved and needed one another, and intentionally, began to build that bridge to once again reconnect with each other.

We realized that all we needed to do was “nothing” for this drifting apart to happen and continue. Whether in our relationship with our spouse, our family, our friends, or our God, this same thing is true. To drift apart, we simply need to do nothing, and when this happens, we eventually look up and wonder “How did we get here?” As you look at your life, what relationships have you drifted from? Have you been intentional in your relationships? Simple neglect is all it takes. We must be intentional with one another, if we desire the relationships to remain strong and not drift apart.

God sought us out, and we must seek Him. For our relationships to remain strong, we must do the same thing. It is never too late to begin building that bridge – don’t delay. Be intentional and cross that gulf that is separating you from others. When you do, you may just realize that you were not quite as far apart as you once thought you were, and you may find that person, waiting for you to reconnect.