Silence is Sometimes Golden - Knowing When to be Silent

Life can really knock you around some days. Sometimes while you are still reeling from the first punch, the 2^nd, 3^rd, or 4^th one come right behind it. You can’t even catch your breath, let alone get back on your feet before you are knocked down again, and just when you think it can get no worse, you get “encouraged” by someone who really should learn the art of silence.

Christians, and not just Christians, but people in general, say dumb things. Often these things have not been thought out before they come out, and they end up doing more damage than good. After my sister passed away, I cannot tell you how many people told me “God has a plan” or quoted a verse to me about trusting Him. There is nothing wrong with speaking these things, in fact, we should encourage one another with His Word, but timing is everything.

After about the 50^th time hearing this, I told my wife “If one more person tells me God has a plan, I am going to punch them.” (Don’t worry, I did not punch anyone.) While I was speaking a little tongue-in-cheek, it was frustrating. In my head I knew God had a plan, but God and I at the moment were debating whether or not that plan stunk (which I thought it did).

I was hurting, doubting, angry, and heavy hearted. I was not responding in the most Christian manner to this struggle, and I did not need to be reminded that I was not. When I heard this, or something like this, I was reminded that I was not trusting God at that moment and that I was not responding as a Christian should.

When I got my Parkinson’s diagnosis, I felt many of the same things, but this time, I was reminded again and again, “It could we worse”. Really, I thought, because this really stinks, and the future is not really bright, and the best you got for me is “it could be worse”. Yes, they were correct, it could be worse, but this was pretty bad, and there were not many bright spots. I was struggling emotionally, spiritually, relationally, and God and I were having serious arguments about the ridiculousness of yet another health problem. “It could be worse” sounded much more like “suck it up” in those first few days.

Since I have heard many, many more comments, that if thought out, probably would not have been said. I have been told that I look fine, that my struggle is just physical, not emotional, that I should be thankful that it is not cancer (which I have dealt with) – on and on the list could go. I know that most people would not understand (and I pray they never do), how throw away comments and comments not fully thought out can make someone at times with a chronic illness feel.

Today, months later, I would agree with some of these statements (except the physical not emotional one), but during those first few weeks, I was just not there. Often people are uncomfortable with suffering and we want to find that “magic bullet” that will encourage and fix the problem and we never stop to think about how it will sound or make the person feel. In the process of seeking to encourage, we end up doing more damage.

Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons once sang “Silence is Golden” and that may be one of the most helpful statements in the English language. You see, sometimes, there is nothing to say, and there are no words that will fix the problem. Some of the most encouraging moments after my diagnosis came in the form of a simple and silent hug. Sometimes the person would look at me a say “I don’t know what to say” or would simply state, “this sucks (pardon the language)” and then give me a hug.

They knew that sometimes there is nothing you can say. There is no magic phrase that will fix everything and take away the pain. They were just there to love me and sometimes, just sit and cry with me. Many times, these people were ones who had walked through some serious struggle and had been on the receiving end of these words of encouragement. They understood that at that moment I just needed to be loved and cared for, and that often came in silence.

Yes, we should encourage one another and help them remain grounded during storms, but we must be sure that what we are saying is helpful and the Spirit can help us if we let Him lead. Next time someone is struggling, just give them a hug, sit with them in silence, or be present in their life, and be okay with not offering some great nugget of faith or religion. Meet them where they are and grieve with them. Let them know they are loved and you are there to support them. Sit silently with with and hug them as they cry. It will mean more to them that anything you could ever say. Silence truly can be golden.