“Really, you are going to make the person with Parkinson’s, the person with arthritis and 3 hip replacements do that?” My daughter just stood there staring at me, “Wow dad, you really going to play the Parkinson’s card?” I smiled, “Absolutely sweetheart, there’s got to be some benefits to this.”
This conversation has played out, half a dozen times, with various people, not just my daughter. I love saying it to my wife, especially when there’s a job around the house that I do not want to do. It is funny, when I say this, I usually get one of three reactions. First, some people just bust out laughing, because they know me and they’re not really surprised I would say it. The second reaction I get, is just a blank stare, because people are surprised that I would say it, and they do not know how to respond. For those who know me best, they just respond “whatever”.
As you can guess, this is often said very tongue-in-cheek, and often said in a joking way, especially when I want to get out of doing something or I and others just need to laugh about this. Even though it’s a joke, and at that moment I’m not saying it seriously, there is some truth to it.
Growing up, I had many difficulties and challenges physically. Diagnosed with arthritis at early age, undergoing numerous surgeries as a teenager and having my first hip replacement at 19, I was no stranger to challenges. I have always had the philosophy though of simply "pushing through". I did not want anything to stop me, and I often wore as a badge of pride the fact that I could do so many things in spite of my physical difficulties. No matter what, I was not going to let my physical struggles hold me back or keep me from doing something.
Parkinson’s though stopped me dead in my tracks. In the years leading up to my diagnosis, I started to experience more and more difficulties, but the year right before my diagnosis hit me like a ton of bricks. I got to the point that no matter how hard I tried, I just could not do things like I wanted to. I was having trouble writing, typing, driving, walking, and just getting around in general. I would push and push myself, but no matter how hard I tried, I just could not do some things, and I would collapse each night utterly exhausted.
It was a very humbling experience, and at times very frustrating. There were so many things I wanted to do with my family, at work, in my ministry, but no matter how hard I tried I just could not do it. I would spend every weekend in bed recuperating from the week, many times wondering how I would go on. For someone who took such pride and all he could do, in spite of his physical challenges, it was very humbling, frustrating, and discouraging.
In those moments, God showed me that I can’t do everything. Whether because of my physical condition, or just the fact of getting older, everyday my body was getting weaker, and sometimes no matter how hard I wanted to, I just could not do it. I realized, it is okay to play that card. It is okay to say I can’t do it. It is okay to let some of these things go (which honestly, I should have done long ago).
When I could let go of my pride, and just admit that I couldn’t do it all, a weight was lifted off my shoulders – a weight that I had put there. It was the weight of expectations, the weight of pride, the weight of what other people would think – weights that I did not need to be carrying. It is okay not to do everything. It is okay to admit that you can’t do it all, and it is okay to simply say "no".
Thankfully, after my diagnosis, the doctors have found treatments that have helped immensely, and given me back many of the things I’ve lost this last year, but I realize there will come times (even now) when I still cannot (or should not) be doing things. I wish I could say that I don’t still struggle with this. I wish I could say that I have no problem saying no. Each day presents new challenges, and some days I do better with this than others, but I am learning. I don’t play the Parkinson’s card every day, but I’m beginning to become more comfortable letting go and just saying I can’t, and when I do, I realize that it is okay.
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