When God Deconstructs Me

Who am I? How do I define myself? What do I tell others about me? We all have an image of ourselves. We all find our identity in certain things, but what do you do when that changes? What do you do when who you are no longer who you are? What do you do when something happens that radically changes the person you are - the things you found your identity in - welcome to my world with Parkinson's.

“We never thought you would leave. Are you really sure?” I have heard some version of this question every day since my announcement. I speak to Him, “God, this is all I have ever known. This is all I have ever done. Are you sure this is the plan?”

This conversation, or one very similar, has played out with others and in my mind, almost daily, as I have prepared to leave the only world I have ever known. I honestly never thought this day would come, and nothing prepared me for how hard this would be. Summer Day Camp was my first job working with kids at the age of 15, and now, 30 years later, as principal, I sit at my desk, at the same school I have been at for 35 years, realizing that everything I have known, everything that has been my identity, in the matter of a few short weeks, will change. 

Education was all I ever planned to do. Teaching at the school I grew up in was my dream. Everything in my life seemed to be tied up in this ministry, one I had been part of since the age of 10. And now, God was gently telling me, “Time’s up. A new journey awaits you.” This journey is yet another twist born of the latest battle I fight – Parkinson’s. 

Once again, I must face change. Once again, in part because of this body, I must make some hard choices. Once again, I must walk a path that I never expected. Once again, I must look at all I thought I was, and quietly ask, "What’s next – I thought this is who I was." And yet another step in my deconstruction is complete. One more thing I found my identity in is removed. One more time, I must let something go.

“My grace is sufficient…”. That was what God told Paul when he begged God for healing. 

“My grace is sufficient…”. That was what God was telling me as I argued this decision with Him.

“My grace is sufficient…”. That is where he really wanted me to live from in the first place.

“My grace is sufficient…”. That is something I knew but really did not practice as I held on to other things.

You see, as long as my identity was in these other things – teacher, father, husband, elder, deacon, preacher, principal, or whatever else you can think of, it was not in Him. As long as I rested in these things, and found my value in them, I did not find it in Him. As long as I found my strength and purpose in these, it was not in Him.

“My grace is sufficient…my power is made perfect in your weakness…”. And that, more than anything, sums up the last 5 years. Slowly, methodically, everything I thought of my life, future, self, purpose, and so many other areas, has been removed, and I have been left with Him. He quietly asks, “Can you trust me? Do you believe I have placed you on this path? Am I enough for you Ched? Do you need these other things in your life to find your value and purpose?" And the deconstruction continues. 

Yet in this deconstruction, construction is happening. He is reminding me that He is enough. He, not these externals, are my source, and He is my purpose. As I realize that, He begins a new work in me. I now begin to see that it is in Him I truly live and move and have my being, and that is where I find my value, my source, my purpose – in who I am through Him, not in what I am doing. 

Because of this, I am at peace. No matter where I am, I am in HIM. Is this easy? No. Have tears been shed? Yes. Is this the end? Not by a long shot. You see, this chapter may be over, but He is simply turning the page. He is building something new. He is charting a new and exciting path for me. “My grace is sufficient…”, and in that simple reminder I am told, “Don’t worry son, I am building something new.” In this deconstruction, there is construction, but more importantly, He is showing me from where my identity truly comes, and because my identity and purpose is in Him, I trust, that He will place me where He needs me to me.

Where is your identity? Is it in Him or in something you do? At some point, we will all be deconstructed, and lose who we thought we were. Remember, you are who you are because of Him, not because of something you do. If we remember that, then no matter where we are, we are in Him, and our purpose is clear.