What does not kill you...Really, another kidney stone!

What does not kill us, makes us stronger! Boy I have heard that so many times, I even kind of like the 
song. But as I lay here, trying to pass the 4th kidney stone in 4 weeks, I wonder, do I really want to live through this. Not sure I will make it into that second category, and dealing with this pain, I am not sure I want to LOL. 

At some point, you just have to laugh. I am to the point where I barely seem to react to the “next thing” to come down the pike for our family. Aside from the kidney stones, we have dealt with injuries, a pile of medical bills, changes swirling around me in so many areas, all the while dealing with all the “normal health stuff” for our family (which really is not that normal for anyone else). 

It is almost numbing. Shoes just continue to drop. You’re afraid to say “what next” because “do you really want to know?” You reach the point that because of the shear volume of trials and events, when that next thing happens, you just shrug your shoulders and think, “Well that figures”. 

All the while, you think, when will these things stop happening. When will my health improve? When will the bills get paid? When will there be a quiet, uneventful day? Like Job probably thought, “How many more messengers can there be?” You find you are knocked down so many times, that you feel like you are looking at the world through the eyes of Master Yoda. 

But in all seriousness, you are just continuing to push through, because you don’t really have an option. You have pushed through for so long, you don’t know what else to do. You know this could make you stronger and tougher, but sometimes, you wonder if you will make it into that group. Has anyone else ever felt this way before? Has anyone else ever wondered about these same things?

Tonight, I find myself here, as I look to heaven and quietly say, “Really God – Parkinson’s, Arthritis, and so many other things are not enough? The three previous kidney stones needed another buddy?” God and I sometimes talk like this. And in those moments, it is probably the most honest times I have with Him. When I ask those questions, it is not out of disrespect, but confusion, frustration, and exhaustion – from fighting a body that will not stop having issues. 

In those moments, and in my cry out to God, I am reminded that He is with me, and that His strength will continue to see me through. It is then, I realize that my own strength is failing, and that really, I should not have been relying on that in the first place. His rest and strength should be my source always, not just when I reach the “breaking point”. Sometimes we forget this as believers. We think we should let God take over only when we have reached the end. The reality is, He should be our strength from the start. 

As I lay here, I realize, this too shall pass (pun intended). Is it frustrating? Yes. Is it painful? YES!!!! Am I sometimes tired of fighting and being strong? Yes. Yet in spite of all of these things, one thing I do know – He is with me. He will strengthen me. He will never forsake me. He will walk with me through every valley.

Even when I become numb from the constant events of life, I can trust that He will strengthen me for this path I am on, and if I allow Him, He will lead me, even when I do not see the path forward, or the relief. What does not kill you makes you stronger – I don’t think the person that said that must ever have had a kidney stone. 

So, I will trust and keep following. I will rest in His strength, peace, and guidance, but I just wish we could do this without all the rocks.