A Hell of Heaven, and a Heaven of Hell

Am I still a good father? How do I still function as a husband? How can I still be a good dad and husband? Am I putting too much on them and others? Am I still being a good friend? How can I keep up at work? Questions after question after question pours through my mind – doubts swirl, and once again, I am left wondering these and so many other questions, trapped in the “hell” of my mind.

Chronic disease affects so many physical aspects of a person’s life. It limits what a person can do. It fills your body with pain and discomfort. It brings exhaustion from the simplest tasks, and it drains so much physically from you. If it stopped there, that would be enough, but it does not.

John Milton once wrote, “The mind is its own place and in itself, can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven”. Aside from the physical pain, and the physical tole it takes on your body, the mental anguish is sometimes worse. The mind, I have found, is a constant battle. Fear, doubt, uncertainty, sadness, and so many other thoughts and emotions constantly parade through your mind and you are left battling thoughts that will not end.

Some of these thoughts are real and legitimate, others are simple manifestations of fears, doubt, and pain. It is so easy to, in a sense, take a trip “Down the Rabbit Hole” and end up in places you never intended or wanted. Regardless of whether or not your life is wonderful or a struggle, the mental anguish that disease brings along with it, truly change so many things in a person’s life from a “heaven to hell.”

Personally, it often causes me to imagine the worse-case scenario, and doubt every aspect of my life. How can my spouse love me with this? How can I be the father my children need? How can I provide and keep working? It messes with your self image, body image, and any “image” of yourself that you can think of. Even things that in reality are not affected or touched by this disease, are in some ways affected because of the battle and struggle you are facing in your mind.

So many times I have battled the new place I have in my family. I have the most wonderful, supportive, and loving wife, but I see the things I cannot do, and I struggle and doubt. I love her, and she loves me, but the doubts and pain I face cause me to withdraw and imagine the worse. Even though our relationship is so much more than the things missing, too often it becomes my singular focus – my battleground in my mind. In this, I do not give her the credit she has shown over and over again, and I short-change the love that not only brought us together, but keeps us as one.

I look at my children, and the love we have for each other. I see the compassion they show me and all the ways they help me. Yet once again, I see the burden they face, and all their father cannot do, and once again doubts creep in. Even though they never focus on the things they miss, it often fills my mind.

I see friends around me, and I see people who care for me and I for them. I see bonds that go back for years, and I see all the things we use to be able to do together. I now see the things I cannot do, and how things have changed because of this illness, and it hurts, and many times consumes my vision.

These same things could be said for work, family, ministry – on and on the list goes, and all I can see is the “hell” that I perceive is my life. This perspective can be all consuming. It can cause you to withdraw even further, and it colors everything you see. It discourages and becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

This last month was especially discouraging for me, because this became my focus. All I could see was the “hell” of my circumstances. I saw things I could not do, things that were now missing in my life, decisions I was now having to make, and struggles I was having in so many areas. It caused me to doubt and wonder about the future, about relationships, and about myself and others around me. In these thoughts, the hurt and pain consumed me, and it was all I could see. I was in tears most days, I hurt those closest to me, and I was so discouraged.

In conversations with others around me, but especially my wife, she continued to love me (in spite of the hurt I was spewing at her and others), and she showed me that so much of my struggle was simply “me being stuck in my head”. Were these things I was feeling real – yes, but really not the all-consuming, all-encompassing things I thought they were. She reminded me that our relationship and my life were and are so much more than these difficulties.

When you are stuck in this mindset, it is hard to will yourself out of it. During this week, my bride showed me that these doubts, fears, discouragement, and pain only defined me if I allowed them too. These things were only all-encompassing if I allowed them to be. Through her love, care, and patience, she showed me what I really needed to see, and help me realize that I decide if the “hell” of all my physical struggles will really be a “heaven or hell” here on Earth.

Without her love, and the love of others, I am not sure in what place I would be. When we are in the “hell” of our thinking, we need others around us that can help us really see not only reality, but hope. It may be overwhelming, it may be difficult, it may affect so many things, but it only affects your mind and spirit if you allow it. Don’t get me wrong, we all have bad days and weeks, and I know I will have many more in the future, but I also have people around me who will fight to keep me out of that place.

Have you ever been in a position like this? Have you ever been consumed by the pain you are felling? What did you do to “right the ship” of your thinking? Whether you are fighting chronic illness in your life or not, we all have struggles and pain that threaten to overwhelm us, as they did for me this week. When this happens, we need to see it for what is it. We need to remember that our pain and struggle is only half of the battle. What we think and dwell on in relation to that pain and suffering is often more important, and will have more effect on our fight than even the pain we are suffering.

What is threatening to consume your thinking right now? What thinking is making a “hell” of your situation? Whatever it is remember, you may not be able to control the circumstance, you may not be able to ease the pain, but you can decide what you will think about it and how you will face it. Regardless of whether or not you are walking through heaven or hell here on Earth, you and your thinking will decide if it is really heaven or if it is hell.