It Is NOT Well With My Soul

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll

Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say

It is well, it is well, with my soul

It was a dark morning. Honestly, it had been a dark few months, but today, today was darker than most. Arriving at school I had checked my email. I was expecting news from the doctor on another round of tests that had been done, and an email that I sent him because the current medication was not working.

For months I had watch myself decline, and I watch myself lose the ability to do one thing after another. Every night after pushing myself through work, I would collapse. Most weekends were spent in bed trying to recoup from the week and prepare for the next one. We had been to doctor after doctor, and run test after test, and we were no closer to an answer than when we had started.

But I was hopeful. Maybe this round of tests would show something. Maybe the doctor would finally have some answers. Maybe there was a new medication I could try. As I opened that email and began to read, I could not hold back tears. The doctor was telling me again that they had found nothing, and that everything was normal. He was sorry that my current medication was not working but he wanted me to keep trying it.

I sat there staring at the email hoping I had read something wrong, but I had not. There was no light at the end of the tunnel, there were no answers to be found. I was sick, and getting sicker – everyone could see it – and there was nothing that we could do.

That morning we were scheduled to have devotions as a staff, but honestly, I did not want to be there. I went that morning out of simple duty, and I sat there, head down, in silence. I was fighting so hard to keep it together, and I’m sure many noticed my struggle.  As the devotion time came to a close, our campus pastor began to lead us in a song, and not just any song, but a song that had been part of churches for decades, It is well with my soul. Of all songs did it have to be this one.

The singing began, but I could not just sit there in silence. I was the principal, and I needed to set an example, at least that is what I told myself. I started singing the first-line, “When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever my lot…”. It was right here, at this line. For the first time in my life, I could not sing this, for it was not well with my soul.

I kept trying to choke out the words, as tears streamed out of my eyes, but no matter how hard I tried, I could not sing it. At that moment, everything in me was screaming at God. I was in pain, my body was failing, I was discouraged, and there seemed to be no answers coming – how could it possibly be well with my soul?

It was probably the first time that I was truly honest with God, and with myself, at how deeply my faith was being shaken. It was the first time in my life, that no matter how hard I tried, I could not push through. Don’t get me wrong, I had had many struggles before this, but none that had sidelined me this way. After almost three years of constant sickness and health issues, I could not go on any further.

And it was here that God met me. In my lowest point, He was there. I wish I could say that he waived the magic wand, and all my sickness evaporated, or that He gave me all the answers I was seeking, but He did not. In fact, I was still months away from finding a treatment that would work or having the answers I was looking for.

In this moment though, for the first time I finally let God know where I really was (even though He knew), and I finally admitted it to myself. Through those tears, I let God know, it was not well with my soul. I was broken, exhausted, and discouraged, but His grace was bigger. God did not condemn me for where I was, but was there to meet me at that place, and hold me when I could no longer stand.

Through that grace, I had the strength to continue. It did not mean that all of a sudden I felt great, or that all my sorrow was gone, it simply meant that I had someone holding me, and carrying me when I could no longer walk. He loved me, and strengthened me, and gave me peace, so that on the day I was given my diagnosis, as discouraging as it was, I could keep moving forward with Him in faith.

Each of us have days that are hard. Each of us reach a point when we want to give up, or think how can I keep going – days when it is not well with our soul. In the mist of those honest moments, God will meet us, and strengthen us and give us peace so that we can take that next step, we must simply just turn to Him. Even though every day is hard, and new challenges continued to present themselves, most days I can now honestly say, it is well with my soul, and even on the days I cannot, He is still with me.