A Terrifying Prospect - Battling Daily Fears

I will be honest – I am terrified. As I sit here, I cannot stop thinking about my future. What will it hold? What will my quality of life be? What are things going to look like for my family? How much will I be able to function? How will my family be supported? What will my quality of life be? Will this be too much for my wife and kids? Am I a burden? How long can I honestly go on? On and on the questions could go, and as I look at the future, it is a terrifying prospect.

Fear. To some degree we all battle against it. Often, it presents itself in our lives as worry. We worry about bills, our health, our children, our job, our family, our future, and so many other things. Many times we begin down that road of worry without even realizing it, and before we know it we are stressed, frazzled, and down the rabbit hole of fear.

Without meaning for it too, it becomes an overwhelming force in our lives, and colors everything we see and feel. It sometimes becomes all we can see. Today is one of those days for me. My mind is spinning with so many fears, worries, and doubts. It is all consuming and today, is something I am finding it very hard to shake.

Like a pit in my stomach, it is a weight I can physically feel in my chest. It started yesterday with some really difficult circumstances. Circumstances that reminded me of how tough this fight really will be. Circumstances that made me feel like I was already giving up and conceding things to the enemy of Parkinson’s. Circumstances that made me doubt if I was up for this fight, and if I and my family would make it.

So many of the questions I listed above have continually swirled through my heart and mind, and I have found myself, these past 4 months, battling fear in a way I have never battled it before. I am fearing for my future, for my finances, for my family, for my relationships, for my health, and even for my will to keep fighting.

I have never been one to battle much fear. I firmly believe God is in control, and even in death, I know where I will be, but honestly, at this point, I am more afraid of living and what this life will now look like. Having never really battled fear and worry, this has been a new and unexpected “side-effect” of this disease. I have trusted God through so many personal and health battles, and yet with this newest battle, I find very often fear consuming me.

I am now finding myself in a daily battle for my heart and mind; a battle that I am struggling to win, and one in which I am struggling to have faith and trust in Him, in others around me, and in myself. Often I think, if this is how I feel now, what in the world will my future look like? I have never had such a hard time winning a battle, but this one just will not let go. So many days, hour by hour, moment by moment, I am battling this fear and seeking to take these thoughts captive.

Fear, unfortunately, is not something you can simply waive away with a magic wand. It is not something that you can simply decide not to feel. It can be very real, especially when looking at a very hard and difficult road moving forward. You are often feeling it before you even realize it. So many days, I find myself locked in this battle, a very real struggle for my heart and mind; one that often I can not win.

When I find myself here, sometimes, I just get stuck and go further and further down the hole of worry, fear, and doubt. Other times, people around me strengthen and encourage me to refocus. Often, though, I simply find myself calling to remembrance, not only His faithfulness in the past, but His promises in Scripture:

Deuteronomy 31:8 “He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged.”

Psalm 18:2 “The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer.”

Psalm 34:4 “I sought the Lord, and He delivered me from all my fears.”

Psalm 46:1-2 “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear…”.

Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right arm.”

Psalm 56:3 “When I am afraid, I will trust in you.”

These and so many other verses in Scripture remind us that He is always with us. Many times when I am fearing, these verses come to mind, and I remind myself of His promises. I wish I could say these magically take my fear away, but they do not. It is still something very real I feel and battle each day. But these promises and His past faithfulness, give me the ability to decide to take one more step, and trust that He will be there for the next one, and the one after that. I am discovering that faith is not the absence of fear, but it is choosing to move forward in the face of that fear.

There is much to fear when I look at my future. There is much to fear in decisions I am now having to make. There is much to fear when I look at how this is affecting my family, my finances, my relationships, my ministry, and my health. But there is something much greater than these fears, and when I look at these fears through Him, I have the ability to trust, and take one more step, in spite of the fears and what the future holds.