Am I Going Crazy...

For months, I could tell that something was not right. I just did not feel like myself (granted, if you know me, you know that I have never been quite right, but that is a different story). In spite of my other physical issues, I began to notice changes; I was beginning to have more and more difficulty doing even basic things, and I had no idea what was going on.

I really started to notice the difference when my tremors became worse. I had been to two different neurologist, both of which told me I merely had essential tremors, but it was nothing too serious, and not something to be worried about. In the year prior to my diagnosis, there was a steady slide in my health.

It started with my hands. I began to have difficulty gripping things and doing just about any task with my hand. Writing and typing became almost impossible, and I was left to simply dictate anything I needed to send. I grew a goatee, because shaving became very difficult. Combing my hair, getting dressed, even brush my teeth, took forever. I was in constant pain, stiff, and very slow moving.

I struggled being motivated and focusing on the task at hand. Many times I was left searching for words, or I lost my train of thought altogether. Every time I would see the doctor, he would say, I still think this is the essential tremors, you’re too young for something like Parkinson’s. Every conceivable blood work test was done. If a part of the body could be scanned or imaged it was. Each and every time, the doctor would call back and say, “everything looks normal”, and once again we would have no answers.

As I sat in the office of my third neurologist, he look at me and said, “Are you depressed? Have you ever been diagnosed with depression? That could be causing the problem.” I sat there and thought, of course I’m depressed. I’ve gone from doctor to doctor to doctor and I still do not have any answers. I feel like crap. I can’t do any of the things that a normal 43-year-old should be able to do. I get test after test done, and they keep showing nothing is wrong with me, yet I know that is not the case. Yes, I am depressed, but that is not the problem.

As we drove home from appointment after appointment, I became more discouraged, and I thought, “Maybe I am just going crazy, maybe this is just all in my head, maybe there really is nothing wrong with me.” No matter where we looked for over a year, there were no answers, only more questions.

As I prayed and sought the Lord during this time, I was reminded that I am not the first one to have questions or struggles and very few answers – David, Job, Elijah, Esther, and so many others in Scripture, struggled with the same thing. David cried out, “Oh my God, I cry by day, but You do not answer; and by night, but I have no rest.” If this is where David had stopped, it would be very discouraging, but David remembered all of the times that God had been faithful, and had shown His goodness even in difficulties.

For each of us, whether answers come or not, God will provide the strength and grace needed to walk forward. It is easy to have faith when we have all the answers, but true faith and trust requires belief, even when we do not understand and cannot see the answers. For the longest time, this is where I was. Struggling, no answers, and no idea what He was walking me through or why. 

I really did begin to think I was crazy, and that maybe I would never have any answers, and that was hard. Could I have the faith to keep walking? In this time, it was so hard to trust His plan and direction. But if I was going to have faith on the mountains, I had to have it in the valley, and even when I had no answers.

Even after I finally had the answer that I had Parkinson’s, I realized I still did not have all the answers. My future was as uncertain as it ever had been, and my choice was still the same – I could choose faith and hope, or I could choose fear. This is something I must choose every day.

What situation do you find yourself in with no answers? You have this same choice. Either choice will drastically affect our walk forward, therefore, I choose hope. What will you choose?